Some days the ol’ Facebook feed and its myriad groups really bum me out. Most of the time I get to see pictures of big fish, sunsets, family members, and cool new gear but now and again it cycles through a bad period. National news has polarized the country by leveraging tragedy, buying season for kayaks has polarized manufacturer camps, politics are always in play, and an unfortunate rash of unchecked shared fake news stories has littered my feed.
Facebook is how I keep up with almost all of my family and friends so an app deletion isn’t really an option right now. Instead, I decided to make a set of Facebook rules I really wish were real.
Rule Violation #1: Fake News
If you share a news story that is easily dispelled with a quick check of snopes.com or some Google fact checking you are in violation. If you mindlessly share a story with a catchy headline but haven’t even clicked on the link yourself, violation.
Proposed penalty: Write a five-page paper in MLA format on yellow journalism.
Rule Violation #2: The Oversell
If you are a fanboy or rep for a company and vastly oversell the properties of a product which in turn leads to someone buying the product and they are unhappy after finding out you, in fact, were overselling, you are in violation. An example of this would be someone asking in a Facebook post if a 26″ wide kayak is easy to stand in. The overseller will pipe up, say it’s an amazing kayak and anyone can stand in it.
Lies. They are more interested in claiming credit for your eventual purchase than your misery after purchase.
Proposed penalty: Must purchase the unhappy customer’s products bought on the offender’s recommendation at full retail price.
Rule Violation #3: Super Sharer
If you make a YouTube video and share it in 12 different groups within five minutes, if you enter every contest you see that says like, share, comment and then proceed to share your contest entry 546 times, or if you immediately share anything your favorite celebrity posts, you are in violation.
Proposed penalty: All share buttons will be disabled across all of your social media for one year. The only way to share is by filling out paperwork in triplicate and filed with your best friend, significant other, and three of your group admins.
Rule Violation #4: Meme Master
Memes are fun but we all know that one person who refuses to type anything. If given the option, they would order pizza, hire a lawyer, and get their teeth checked by using only memes. Sometimes I just want to know what time you want to meet up without having to click a friggin’ GIF button.
Proposed penalty: You become a meme on the level of crying Michael Jordan which is to be used as a counter-meme anytime someone over memes you.
Rule Violation #5: Anti-Googler
The Anti-Googler is everywhere. It must be a generational thing. The AG will post on Facebook in groups and on their own timelines asking things like,” Who knows something about photosynthesis?” or “What’s a good restaurant near me?”. These answers and more are available via Google and other websites which will get you an immediate response.
Proposed penalty: You may only get answers to your questions from a 1978 version of the Encyclopedia Brittanica for the period of one year.
Rule Violation #6: No Punctuation
We all know these folks. They are worse than the “their, there, they’re” violators. The no punctuation violators don’t use any punctuation. When you read their posts, you have to decide what they’re trying to say.
Example: Im giving up alcohol for a month
What they meant: I’m giving up! Alcohol for a month!
Proposed penalty: They must learn to use ASCII text to draw pictures of what they mean when posting on social media for six months.